Things I Am Not Doing Right Now

Or, how to procrastinate part 2.  This is, I swear to god, off the top of my head.  For your amusement.

- Pay credit card bills.  Which ones?  One from the new card, one from American Express, and one due in a few days.  Why haven't you done it?  Because it will bring the forefront: that I don't have any money; that I spend money anyway (although not enormous amounts), and remind me that my work history is nonexistent and yet I refuse for no good reason to get a real job.  It makes me feel lazy, profligate, and reminds me how much I've squandered.  "Doing it" will require talking to mom and dad about paying the bills, and owing up to the fact that I need to get at lest temporary work in Santa Barbara.

- Pay health insurance.  See above.

- Explore the fields I'm most interested in in the future.  It's not a long list, really.  It involves: a) looking at the top "behavioral science" companies - including market research / product design companies; b) look at graduate school programs that I would be psyched to do; c) look at research projects at UCSB to get involved with; d) look at academic journals on topics of interest, and contact professors.  Why not do it?  No fucking idea.  I can do it all on the computer.  It requires some focus; there is no deadline; and it involves me thinking about what I'm qualified for.  But I'm not qualified for much, and I'm terribly depressed by that thought.  Because I've squandered.  Squandered.  And what was certain is no longer certain - that I would be "successful" and live an "interesting" life...

(And... for god knows what reason: that my wife could describe me glowingly and proudly to my children.  Why the hell is that stuck in my brain?)

- Clean my room.  That's right.  Give away the stuff in the hallway, go through any remaining books, and so on.  Hook up the stereo to check if it works, then post on ebay.  Why haven't I done this?  Because a) it's annoying.  But why?  Why would it be annoying to do things in my room?  Breathe. Stretch.  Play.  Feel.  Breathe again.  Why the fuck would that be "annoying"?  That's called motherfucking living.  Why not drive the stuff to the salvation army?  Because I want to make sure I have all of it.  Why?  What would be the terribleness of going twice?  Because I have an overarching belief in grace rather than brute force.  Brute force is doing what you can while you can, and then doing more later.  Grace is doing it in the most "efficient" manner possible, irrespective of opportunities, time, and mental energy.  You cannot use grace as defense for procrastinating.  The enemy of grace is not wasted action; it's wasted thought.  You have not acted yourself into a corner; you have thought yourself into one.

- Send Dr. Munoz an apologetic explanation.  Because I bailed on him and his research group.  On the other hand, he saw it coming, people have done it before, and we never worked out anything nearly official enough.  Don't want to send it because I will need to face the fact I slacked; and will have to decide whether or not I can use him in the future.  I will find it depressing that I have burned my contacts.  Like Bobby Martinez.

- Complete my PHP midterm.  It's due in a few days.  I need to study for it, complete it, and can do it any time before the deadline.  Why not do it ahead of time?  Takes time.  You have it.  Involves learning PHP - evidently you want to.  So, what the fuck is stopping you?  Check it, figure out long it takes, mark out the time, and then do it.  Jesus.

- Make eye appointment.  My eyes hurt - my prescription is old.  I just ordered more contacts.  Make an appointment at Costco, get some new contacts, and return the old ones.  Why not?  Takes time - you have it.  Drive out to Goleta?  Takes 25 minutes.  Back 25 minutes.  Ask mom and dad for money for contacts.  Fine.  Call the company to return the other ones.  Done.  Not a problem.

[Updated in the morning...]

- Pick up repaired surfboard.  Why not?  Takes time and again involves money.  I see a theme here.

- Email siblings about Africa trip.  Buy tickets.  Why?  Because it requires planning career opportunities.  But here's the catch: the sooner I put this piece in place, the sooner I can do everything else.  So what the fuck?  As I said, the key to procrastination, is to avoid making commitments.  Everything else follows.

- FUCK.  Just a call from the bank.  Ah yes... the bank.


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