I believe I've said this before..

..but I have a winter swimming story to relay. My Mother pushed us in sports- I'm not sure why, I think because she was her father's daughter, but I never met the guy (well technically I did, but my memory didn't). I swam in the summer. I was pretty good. I usually won. Then I joined a winter swim club, and I got a whole lot better. Just from practice and repetition really, since I NEVER was a practice player- i.e., I just can't ever get it up for practice, which seems pointless to me even as I'm doing it. I was never in the fast lane during winter swim practice, even though I turned out to be one of the faster swimmers in the actual meets. But during practice, I remember in particular one obnoxious girl (who was hot, so her bad attitude made her even hotter, also I recognized her from one of the summer swim clubs we swam every few years- should have made something happen there. so many stories missed, and yet I don't seem to care.) who was constantly tapping the back of my feet during laps, the universal competitive swim club sign for 'I'm actually trying to get something out of practice you lazy shit , so if you're going to swim slowly then let me pass.' I always let her pass. She was hot. I love bitches. The point is, I had no love for practice. And as the years went on, I swam in the winter less and less. One summer my friend started to beat me at the freestyle, the alpha of the swimming strokes- whoever is the fastest at the freestyle is the 'fastest', period. Well that was fucking unacceptable. I went back to winter swimming that year and the next summer the natural order was restored. sort of. there's another upsetting story lurking that I'm not going to tell. but there were no more defeats in the freestyle to my own peers. as the years went on I swam even less, because I thought, like my eldest brother before me (who was cool as shit) that my future lay in football and I better start acting like a football player. however they acted. I think I remember him telling my mother that I should stop swimming because it 'stretches the muscles' and makes me weaker for football. well that was good enough for me. I only had one year left of swimming. and this is the year that I want to talk about.

At this point, since I was barely swimming competitively, winter swim practice was a struggle for me. especially since I) was in the older groups now and their practices were HARD. I didn't see the point in going to these practices, as I wasn't really a swimmer anymore. What made it worse though is that they started to have their practices, instead of a half hour away, right down the street at my local college. So. when the time came for the ask from my mother, it was a horrible feeling. I didnt want to let her down, and I didnt want to be a pussy about it since there were no more excuses about time or distance, the practices were right down the street. But I knew that this wasn't me anymore- what was the point, I was gradually becoming not a swimmer, (by my own design, by the way, because this is what I thought high school football players did. don't judge- if you could have seen the glory of my brothers' games under the lights, playing rumble fumble with the other little brothers of the players on the field... well, don't judge.) well I ended up going to a few of them, and for years my mother had always given me the line "you'll feel better after you've gone". It was INVARIABLY true. and I felt MUCH better, not just better. I felt better about life, about myself- this statement of hers was NEVER wrong. she knew. but there I was, before every practice, nervous and pulling away from the going. like a horse pulling back against it's bridle as its being led into the carriage for transportation. what was my problem? I had numerous experiences proving that I would, in fact, feel better, whcih should have made this process an easy one. usually she got me to go. but this last year..I think she knew. I think she knew what I was doing, phasing out swimming. during one of my last practices she made a deal with me, to go to half of it and then if I wanted, to say I had an appointment and I had to go. She had made this deal with me a few times before. It's just this last time was the first time i actually took it. I got up out of the pool, and lied to my kindly swim instructor, telling him I had a cello recital. I still remember this moment. I think there's a reason it's engraved in my memory forever. because after this swim practice, I didn't feel better. I felt horrible. much worse than the technical circumstances should have warranted. I knew I had just done something horrible. again, even though a technical description of the act would not alarm a casual listener, to me I knew that it was a bad thing. I didnt even know what my Mom thought, because I was judging myself without any help. I'll never do that again. this is the first time I made that pledge. I mean it too. I was a little scared to type it because then I would be held to it, but that's exactly what I want. I'll never do something like that again. I dont need to. I realize that I should have just finished the practice. I realize that I took the path of feeling worse, and finishing the practice would have made me feel better. just like Mom always said. I will never do that again.

but I wont have to because I wont be going to practice in the first place.