More Thoughts

I TRIED to do nothing on Sunday.  No goals.  Just do what I want.

What did I start doing?  Reading books I had put off.  Played the guitar for fucking ever.  Watched surf videos.  Went surfing.  Didn't watch tv.

I think it's interesting to divide things into what we do when we're inspired, and what we do when we're avoiding things.  Very different, and done in very different ways.

Josh told me recently he hates doing things he's not completely into.  Hates it.  What an awesome reaction...

Spent today instead avoiding (a midterm).  Fuck it.  Decided I'd do it tomorrow, day it was due, and just work all day.  So going to bed soon, then early surf, then midterm all day.  I like that rhythm.  Just wish I weren't a slave to it.

I keep having very clear pictures of what could of been.  I keep trying to flip them around to face forward.  They are no longer clear.  I feel like I've given up the idea of "having no regrets" or "carpe diem" or whatever.  Someone asks me, "what if you die tomorrow"?  I think: fine.  You only have no regrets because you have thought hard enough about the absolute, overall equality of it all, zig or zag.  Or is that one big rationalization?  One giant pussified thought process?

I want to have a long-term profession that I can excel at, make a living at, and do for the rest of my life.  Weirdly, the only thing that remotely fits the bill is being some sort of therapist.  Strange, no?  But spending my life a) working with people, b) helping them, c) thinking about the human brain / mind would be amazing.  But here's the problem.  a) it's impossible to get into a phd program that pays you; and b) psychiatrists have all the power anyway (drugs). But med school?  I suppose this is an extension to what I mentioned further up.

But that's the quest.  I don't want to jump from one manager position to another.  That's just not what I'm good at.  I also want to teach.  I'm not why I'm writing this now.  But it is good to see on fake paper.

I just downloaded a program that will transcribe everything I say.  That is a ridiculous idea, a completely self-involved fantasy. 

Yes, I think we need children.  I think life's meaninglessness because obvious, WAY too obvious without them.  Damn condoms.  Living at my parent's, my sex drive is nill.  I just thought today that I would rather surf a good swell in good conditions than have sex.   Period.   That's weird. 

Then again, I just saw a match.com commercial where they finally nailed me; showing the awkwardly awesome first date between two obviously successful and somewhere around 30 year old people, who are happy about being with each other, their own lives, and accepting of their little quirks while wearing the spring line of j crew.


You said that we're not in control.  I was recently thinking about how animals plan their days.  And their are lots of kinds of animals - or life forms.  None "make plans" but us.  Of course, that's why we get to eat them.  (That's right sharks - I just bought some jerky made of you.) 

But what's going on is we have one smallish part of our brain that makes plans - and all the rest is set up on environmentally-triggered autopilot.  To change our behavior, we can change our brains connetions (takes a while), change our chemicals (can take less), change the outside environment (ooo... look how it's hard to define inside/outside blah blah blah), OR change the little plan making voice. 

So we're not really in charge, except over the little plan making voice.  And the only hope for the plan making voice is that IT will instigate changes that interact with our autopilot program.

This is abstract.  Your posts have been more personal.  But I want to get these thoughts down, and want to hear your reaction to them.

You said you were acting like a pussy.  I think that's fine.  But it makes me curious: what would non-pussy Maverick do?  With a name like Maverick... that feels just strange to write.

Thoughts?

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