googled

The horrifying realization that I could be googled just as easily as the girls I was looking up swept over me the other day, and I googled myself. two things.

one: this fear was incredibly strong, and I wish it would go away. sophomore year of school I got an invite to dinner from the girl I had been in love with the year before, and in a rambling explanation of an email response, somehow I tried to explain to her that I wasn't going to see her again until I was awesome. She was pissed. I probably would have been too. I am legitimately crazy. I would be mortified if someone actually found me in a google search. which was why I was relieved when my preliminary searches turned up a bunch of marginally famous people with my name. good. of course then if the person had done what I would do, they would start adding keywords to narrow the search. and then I found the picture.

two: this one picture of me has changed the way I see myself. I'm still reeling from it. I finally saw myself as others see me. I still haven't drawn any kind of conclusion. Something about the person I saw has pestered me to stop being such a pussy. We'll see if anything comes of that. I really like being a pussy. no responsibility. nothing to answer for. no goals, no pressure. just food. and sometimes movies. but that kid- well first of all he was hideous. that much cannot be denied. in his defense, he was making a face. but still. secondly, though, he wouldn't be doing the things I'm doing now. He wouldn't even be worrying about it. Am I better or worse off than he is?