The God Interviews - Part 2

More God, less Jesus.

G:  Last time we talked, you described feeling like you lacked character at 29.  Why?

A:  I had a lot of parts of me that I was disappointed with.  I was a fatalist - and even though I disagreed with it philosophically.  My brother in particular represented at the time everything I wasn't.  He had overcome a dodgy start and difficult home life to find success academically and professionally.   And made lots, and lots of money.  And more than that, he knew and I knew that the choices I was making now would hurt me financially later down the road.  At the time, the notion that actions have consequences... it was almost an attack on me.  I guess at the time, I believed in a kind of magical thinking.  And I was stuck between that type of magical thinking and the better one.

G: The better one?

A: The magical thinking that involves spirit, not the material world.  The type of magical thinking that believes in the subtleties of the living, not of miracles of finance.

G: This is a lot of philosophy.  What were you actually doing?

A: Nothing.  Well, some surfing, some guitar playing, lots of tv watching and net surfing.  My poor parents I think just hoped that I was fucking everything up.  That I was doing something "productive" with that time.  As I said, they were too kind.

G: Do you wish they had done something different?

A: It's difficult to say.  I don't blame them for anything.  People are social animals.  We learn from one another, compete with one another, and support one another.  At the time, I felt like I didn't have much support since I wasn't sharing anything with anyone.  Including my parents. 


G: But it didn't last forever.  The indecision, the fatalism, the carelessness?

A: No.  Not forever. 

G: Why did it go away?

A: At the time, I didn't find things inspiring.  I didn't seem to care about anything.  So I knew that, emotionally, spiritually I needed to find and follow that inspiration.  I knew that at the end of the day I would not end up on the street.  Fuck, I'd end up in Santa Barbara.  So that realization was the start.

G: More philosophy.  What did you actually do?

A: I reasoned about how people find their inspirations, how they stay inspired.  Take people living through Auschwitz, or through the starvation season.  They care about one thing: making it out alive so they can be free; to see or protect their families; self-preservation, race preservation, or fighting for their god.  These are the desires that drive man.  Other people have it for surfing, or for music.  I just knew I needed to tap into whatever God (ahem) or evolution or chance had put inside of me.  I needed to tap into whatever recesses of inspiration existed in me.

G: But what was the point?  Is activity better than inactivity?

A: Ah yes, my friendly fatalist.  It's scary to think God is a pessimist. 
http://www.blogger.com/post-edit.g?blogID=8932590975018570366&postID=1411072431014881476
But yes, that was a constant war.  A moment of inspiration would be buffered by days of despondency.  I had talked over the phone with a psychologist who suggested medication.  And if the difference between caring and indifference is not a logical division, whatever chemical change that takes root would not distort perception of anything in the realm of perceiving "objective" reality.  Notice different parts of it, certainly, but not distorting the accuracy of the reasoning process, such as it is.  In any case, I didn't take his advice.

But maintaining inspiration was the challenge.  As well as fighting off the accompanying fear.  Action is the best defense against fear - I wish someone had tatooed that on my arm when I was younger.

In any case, I knew that inspiration and fear were the two main challenges in my life.  So I started making lists.  Lists of things that inspire me, make me happy, intimidate me, and everything else.

G: And?

A: I started making plans.  Envisioning how I was going to pursue or overcome each one of them.  The point wasn't to stick to the plans, per se.  I wanted to have a list of things that I cared about - that I couldn't live without or with.  I wanted that passion back, that passion to drive me.  And that's exactly what it did.

G: Sounds exhausting.

A: That was obviously the danger.  Before, I had been vulnerable to the back and forth of depression and exhiliration that you'd guess from my personality.  And I knew that just as everyday you needed some exercise, everyday you also needed rest. 

So I had to look at it through the lens of the long-term.  What was going to keep me going, through thick and thin?  That was the idea of commitment, and to renew that commitment everyday.

G:  Lots of talk.  But how did you do it?

A: I figured that I'd needed to continually remind myself of the goals, the joys, etc.  Not a to-do list.  An inspiration list.  I always had a vision of etching the most important things to be me on a wooden plank.  But at first, I just wanted a hand-written paper that followed me at all times.

G:  Can I see them?

....

-29