what the fuck uganda?

[maverick can TOTALLY ignore this post.  seriously.]

okay,

how not to leave africa empty-handed.

god: so what was up with that africa thing?

adam: glad you asked. big event in my life.

g: why

a: because it had been a funk for at least the last two years before it.  and funks in your twenties are bad.  not as bad as funks when you have a family depending on you.  that's true.  so looking back, it was good to go through to learn some lessons.

g: and africa?

a: i had already run away once - to south east asia.  and it was truly running away.  hardcore.  and so i saw this trip as the bookend to that running.  one last sprint, before the running stopped.  not that i didn't stay on the move for the rest of my life.  what was strange about the running in my life was actually the lack of movement, not the fact i was on the move.  i was running away by refusing to get closer.  and since that object was moving away from me... well it was best just to stay put.  plus, the internet ruled my life.

g: so how did africa "end" the running?  after all, i created you the way you were... you didn't get neurosurgery abroad did you?  midichlorians?

a: well, it had to with understanding why i was running in the first place.  it was a bit of a "don't let the perfect be the enemy of the good" situation.  i had started to shift away from "perfect" to "making the best of."  they are pretty different.  one is actually no road to happiness, particularly.  in part because there is so far to fall from perfect, and it's difficult, and it changes on context.

"making the best of" is really a bon vivant tenet.  that's probably a good summary of the whole philosophy.  so there's that.  making the best of who are you are, where you are, etc., etc.  wringing the goodness out of whatever's there.

g: but how did the trip actually help you?

a:  part of being in a funk had to do with not nurturing friendships and relationships.  Partly that's my personality; but part is also being in a funk.  it's like having a bad hairday, everyday.  and you keep hoping your hair will look better the next day.  and before you know it, you've been wearing a hat everyday for 2 years and everybody knows you as the hat guy.  make sense?

g: i don't have a head, so it can be difficult to relate.

a: so the trip was a way to start contacting people.  in my life, people whose lives i would just bounce off of while traveling; but it was the start of "showing my face" again without too much worry about my hair looks, basically.

g: sublte.

a: yeah.  there were other things.  everyday, i devoted just 30 minutes to thinking about how i wanted to live my life when i returned.  it was important to limit it - it wasn't the point of the trip, and bon vivants do not like to ruminate.  but the change in scenery, situation, and goals loosened up my thinking.  and when i returned from the trip, and i had a clear idea of how i was going to live when i got bck.

g: and how was that?

a: don't want to give away the plot.  but basically, i had the same ideas bouncing through my mind that i had when i was 25.  i just hadn't really given them much space to run.  on the plus side, i hadnt' spent 150k on an education that i wasn't going to use / like (like perhaps some friends).

i knew something when i left for africa.  that nothing in my life was going to change if i didn't start feeling good about what i was going - even if it were painful - and proud of what i was trying to do.  that was clear.  some people have different standards than others, but no matter you have to feel proud.  that's what's so devestating about unemployment, especially for a father - feeling terrible about not providing.

but that feeling of terrible is just not sustainable, not useful, and not particularly rational.  but you can still do it, no problem.  on that trip to africa i started to truly understand that.

g: i'll be honest.  i'm not buying it.  what the fuck changed by going to africa?

a: fuck.  i just made a promise to myself: i was going to be an a) bon vivant, and b) pursue something with my head up high.  just keep it high.  because that's what bon vivants do. 

g: just decided?  that doesn't work.  i should know - i created you.

a: fuck off.

g: didn't you want to study behavior change?  wasn't that one of your things?  shouldn't you know better.

a: life is what happens when you're making other plans.

g: so that's it?  you made other plans, and life did it's thing?

a: god i hope not.

g: well, you can control that.

a: fuck.

g: you already said that. from my perspective, it seems like it would have just been more running.

a: fuck you?

g: dont' mean to point out the obvious.  it seems like at the time your confidence was low, perhaps you were a little happier, the economy was tumbling, you felt ashamed at your current life, you procrastinated on everything worth doing, you were doubting your ability to read books (seriously), and had a hard-on for a high-school crush. (Not a current high-school student, of course).  so how did you make it a change?

a: