The Ladies

Thoughts on the ladies...

I spent Wednesday night feeling terrible.  Feeling like a kid among adults.  Feeling shy.  Feeling uncertain.  Feeling lame.

I was hanging out with my highschool crush.  It's been over a decade.  We made out once, long ago.  She's off to business school in a few weeks.  Doing the professional thing.  Looking attractive.

But now I'm on the outside.  Shit, there might not even really be any attraction between us - the past and present mingle too closely.  But around her, I became quiet.  Shy.  Careful... and slowly the pressure leaked out until there was nothing left.

I ended up at the end of the night in her room.  Talking.  But the one thing I didn't talk about was how I was feeling.  Not that it's a big deal.  The big deal is not talking about something you're thinking about - you better have a good reason.  Because those vibes are being sent out into the world, into yourself, and without a good reason... it's destructive.

And the reason here?  I didn't want to be rejected.  But that very fear tells me, her, and anyone else around that I am not worthy.  It destroys the magic, the fun.

Two days later, I woke up understanding it all.  I spent the entire night thinking "what's wrong with me?"  Instead of, "I'm great, she's cool, let's see what happens."  Or at least, "I suck.  But so does she!"  At the very least make it even.  But it wasn't.  So there was nothing there... sadly.

Sadly.  Perhaps I'll try again tomorrow.  Sounds like a terrible idea, but the desire is strong. 

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