ARGH - More on the Ups and Downs of Being Into It

Goddamnit.

My emotions are fucking out of control.  Super nervous around her, makes me stumble over my words, she is totally confused.  I don't contact her, she gets surprised...

I think the feeling right now is just that she is nervous but maintains her genuineness.  That's a trick that I pull off somewhat, just by being incredibly shy and nervousy.  But she does it while expressing herself, and as a result... she says the things I want to hear, but I don't tell her the same.

Instead, I think about writing her a text, or a letter, or whatever.  But that's not the genuineness that's required.  In the moment is what's required if I'm going to remotely give her back what she gives me.

So when I got a text from her on Sunday, thanking me for Saturday... I didn't reply.  Nervous.

When I brought CDs to make her some music on Monday, I didn't see them in my bag.  When I went out and bought them for her, I spent so much time making them for her and putting it off, that when I went to visit her the office was already closed.  I was so nervous about texting her that I didn't ask if she was still at work.

And so her evening was free, mine was free, I missed her and she missed me, but I couldn't do any one of the four things that could have put us together.  And she admitted today that she didn't want to contact me and be the whiny girl... which is incredible to think that she worriest about that.  I would have just assumed she didn't want to see me. 

But fuck.  Ross is right when he says that I underestimate how she feels.  Goddamnit I like her.  But when she opens up, I respond by joking... hopefully she understands that what I mean is the opposite of what I'm saying (hence, a joke), but really in some if only small way, I'm reinforcing exactly what I'm mocking.  And doing it because I'm being insincere.

That's some combination of fun and sincerity that is what I want to be with her - shit, is what I want to be with any relationship.  But she's putting me on my back foot.  And when she says she's busy tonight helping her friend, I automatically interpret it as a brush-off, rightly or wrongly...

And I don't even own up to be nervous around her.  That's a lack of geniuneness right there.

So what now?  I just feel shitty that I violated the connection between us, and robbed of us like 10% of the time we have left. 

It's okay.  She understands.  Enough, at least.  And that's okay.  I think the biggest problem, quite clearly, is if YOU understand.  You like her, you want to be honest about that, sometimes you get nervous about it, but shouldn't let that stop you from recognizing that you like her and that for her, and for you, that's the most important thing.  And that, at some fundamental level, you can't do much to make her like or not other than a) having fun with her, b) taking care of her, and c) being honest about how you feel and who you are. 

So that's easy.  Forgive yourself, move on, and you can do this.  Do this?  Build as much of a fun, passionate, and honest relationship with her as possible. 

Forgive yourself.

Forgive yourself.

And try, try at least not to make the same mistakes.

But don't hate yourself.  It's not worth it, and it's not the point. 

A epilogue in the form of a prologue: my text from last night was answered by a "i missed you."  Yeah, no kidding.  Me too.  And it felt so good to receive, and I deliberated on responding but I didn't.  And I didn't know why.

And in your defense... she said she was busy until Wednesday.  So there.  You'll see her tomorrow... Just don't disappear again.