its so easy

why do I want everything easy? I sit here and I daydream about winning the lottery, my stocks exploding, a work-injury or even my mother dying, so that I can come into all the money I'll ever need. I feel like that guy in office space who, from the confines of a neck brace and a weelchair, tells Peter (my hero) to keep his head up because good things can happen, just look at him. Or wait, maybe I feel like Peter. I feel OUT of control. I feel like, if we can look at a grouping of molecules like a plant or a tree, and see that it is not a 'thing' but rather a part of everything, a slave to the mathematics of the bouncing spheres that make it up, there's no way that we have free will. If we can see that a Venus flytrap isn't actually Audrey 2, but is rather an assortment of mathematics that never had any say in what it was going to do or what it was going to be, then why cant we extend that to ourselves. We can, I cant see any other way. I think I have a way to save the cat in the box. I think I can solve some of these problems. But far too late in life (right?) I have discovered that Physics is one of the things that lights me up. I keep taking personality tests online. I took a rorschach once, and it said my psyche is driven by curiosity. I keep the grain of salt right next to me when I do these things, but then I stumble across the color personality test, and if I'm a rube then that's a hell of a scam (try it). Anyway I cant help but agree with the online rorschach- I am throwing a tantrum about not knowing enough. I feel like the gulf might be too big, the chasm too wide, for us to make that next leap. like starting at one end of the room walking across the distance halfway, and then repeating it. (An argument to be used, by the way, when the internets try to tell you that .999...=1). Nothing I do will ever be good enough because I won't be solving IT. I actually went to the CERN website to apply for a job. Any job. I would take out trash at that place. Needless to say it was a lost cause- even their trashmen need Masters. (not kidding. playing with the truth though.) I just cant do this though- I sit on the precipice- nope it's the 5th, so tomorrow I will be late on rent, and without a job. More than half of me finds this exciting. I think I'm beginning to understand cutters.