I want to go home.

I want to go home. As I sit here, poor and hungry, I think about the cereal we always had at my house, the meals my mom always made, and the fact that there was always something in the refrigerator. Am I going to be able to provide that for my kids? What is going to happen? I think if I was transported to a place where I was in a house where food was always available like that, and I mean transported right now, I wouldn't be comfortable. What was it about back then? I never had to think about what I was doing. But now. I have to go perform tasks that I have no interest in order to facilitate my own survival. Something is COMPLETELY wrong about that. I feel it in my bones. If I had a garden that provided my sustenance, I would tend to it and not belabor the point, not think about how it was bad. People say that it's laziness- FUCK that, I am NOT lazy. I actually know this from my own personal history. I can work harder than I ever thought possible. but when my WHOLE system rebels against the thing I'm doing to make money and therefore to live, not wanting to do that is not laziness. it is instinct. it is the knowledge that THIS IS NOT RIGHT. how do I get someplace where it can be right? even in professions I would enjoy, there are people telling you what to do. how can you enjoy your life if you're not in control of it? and if you are someplace for eight hours a day, BELIEVE ME, that is YOUR LIFE. it doesnt seem like there's many options in this world right now but to capitulate and do what everyone else is doing. I would make the brave move, I really would. but somebody tell me what it is! I don't know. I need to figure this out to be happy. I need to live my own life and not share it with anyone, and then when that is set up I will invite EVERYONE in. I mean, I love people. my friends are awesome. but they cant come in yet. because I'm not me. and that is the one person I really want them to meet.