ch -ch- ch-...

here I sit in a similar, but not identical, situation. Money is almost used up. Soon another job is at hand, a new set of variables. I know more now, though. I know that I only need so much to survive. I know that I could not possibly go back to a 9 to 5. What would happen if I just let it all go? I used to do this in my childhood, and every once in awhile, though the incidents decrease in frequency as I grow(change), I tharn. When I was a child, I had a strong mother. She would swoop in and save me in almost any situation. When I felt something going out of control I would change from a human to a rabbit caught in a light. no thought, no intelligent decisions left, just fate unaffected by my influence. It would always work. It still does, in fact. Later in life as I practiced this without a mother present, something else entirely woke me up. I woke myself up. There is a threshold beyond which some unknown backup program kicks in, stirring me to efficient and unthinking action. I am a robot, taking care of my problems one by one, until my survival is again assured for the time being. knowing this is in place, (and believe me, it has been tested and responded), I can act before it kicks in. I could drift, let my rent slip, my bills slip- everything. but I know I would still survive. so what would be the point of all the extra effort. I should just set something up. my life needs to stay loose. 2 part time jobs perhaps. I am still waiting for something, but in the meantime, I might as well survive.